Finding Peace
by okami93
Summary: This is another Bellarke OS set in between Ep 1 and 2 of S4,when Clarke and Bellamy are travelling to Arkadia. They both carry burdens that are haunting them every waking minute,but even more so in the dark hours of the night. Not a typical Bellarke Romance OS,since I wanted to keep them in character,but more about their deep friendship and how Clarke tries to cope with everything


_AuthorsNotes:_ This is another "Bellarke" OS. As always I tried to keep both Clarke and Bellamy in character, so it's not necessarily about a Bellarke romance but more about their deep friendship and understanding for each other. Since it is set in between Episodes 1 and 2 of Season 4 (When Clarke and Bellamy are travelling to Arkadia), I did my best to write it in a way that it would still tie in with what happens between them in later episodes.  
There is a bit of Clexa in it; as I said, I tried to keep them in character and Lexa is definitely a part of Clarke's character. So I didn't want to leave it out just for the sake of being a Bellarke shipper. I tried to keep it the way I imagined Clarke would deal with everything she experienced.  
Hope you enjoy it :)

 _ **Finding Peace**_

Since they set out late from Polis, they had walked well into the night, trying to cover as much ground as possible. Clarke had been very quiet, talking only when absolutely necessary. He could see in her eyes that she was absentminded, and Bellamy had felt painfully reminded of the three months where Clarke had disappeared.

Unbidden, the moment he had found her again came to his mind: _It had been in an old uderground bunker; he had risked his life disguising himself as an Ice Nation soldier and went into the bunker alone. Clarke had been tied up against a pillar, looking frightened, desperately trying to free herself from the unmoving chains. The moment he had had the chance to look into her eyes for a short second, he could see her relief but also the loneliness she had endured the last months. Back then, the only thing on his mind had been to free her. He was so caught up in it, he didn't realize that Roan had snuck up behind him._

Lost in his thoughts he tripped over a small rock, causing Clarke to slow her half running pace to a walk and look back at him. She raised an eyebrow in question, but Bellamy simply shrugged it off: ´I'm fine. I just tripped. ´ Clarke looked at him for a moment longer as if she felt there was more to it than he said, but didn't push the matter and instead continued walking.

She had distracted him again. Somehow, this seemed to become a habit. Bellamy began to feel the tiredness he had ignored during the final fight against Alie, and he was sure Clarke was just as exhausted as him, if not more so. The blood transfusion and their captivity in Polis must have cost her every bit of strength she had left. And now they had set out, walking at quite a fast pace without any pause.

´Clarke…´ he called just loud enough for her to hear him a few paces ahead. Again, she turned around, a questioning look on her face. How was it she always seemed to look right into him? He gathered his voice: ´I think we should rest here for tonight. ´Clarke opened her mouth to object, but he went on, trying to convince her. He knew she would never accept to rest when thinking he only did it for her, so he tried to use other arguments: ´We won't be able to reach Arkadia today, so let's set out early tomorrow. We'll travel faster with the light and will get there by late afternoon at the least. ´

She thought about it for a moment but decided Bellamy was right. Clarke really felt exhausted. Yes, she desperately wanted to distract herself from the thought of how she had to give the flame – her last memento of Lexa – to Roan. But she also was aware that travelling would be way faster and easier by day. She also knew that even though she probably wouldn't be able to sleep, they both needed rest. After their fight and victory against Alie things had happened so fast that neither of them had rested longer than an hour at a time. Clarke nodded her approval and they dropped what little they had packed onto the chilly, slightly damp forest floor.

Along the way, Clarke had collected some berries. They had also brought a few strips of dried meat, so Clarke placed the foot on her jacket. She was about to get up to gather some wood for at least a small fire when Bellamys hand on her shoulder stopped her. ´Let me do that. ´ He softly said as he got up. Clarke gave him the smallest of smiles and allowed herself to relax a little, while Bellamy searched for a few broken twigs and branches.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

They sat on opposite sides, yet close to the fire which provided a little warmth. After eating in silence, Bellamy kept his eyes on Clarke. He knew she was worried about their future and he could only imagine the tiniest bit of what Lexa's death had done to her. He had always known the two of them to share a special bond. But hearing Clarke confessing her love to Lexa in that cell in Polis… it had still caught him off guard and in an unexpected way. He had felt a pang of jealousy even though he didn't recognize it at that time. Yet the stronger emotion he had felt was the pain of seeing her, the strong warrior princess, so devastated. Bellamy would have given everything for having his chains removed and to be able to comfort her at that moment. He had been unable to say anything though; how was it that his voice seemed to fail him everytime he saw Clarke in pain?

And now again, he could see it in her eyes as she gazed into the fire: her suffering. But - just like always - words failed him and his frustration about his own weakness grew as he watched her with a sad frown. Bellamy knew he wouldn't find any sleep that night.

Clarke however was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't realize her companion watching her. It might have seemed unlike her to get carried away like that but with everything that had happened she just couldn't help it. Even she sometimes needed a moment to herself to cope with her emotions. She felt safe in Bellamys company and knowing there wouldn't be any time once they reached Arkadia, Clarke allowed herself to lie down and let her thoughts come and go as they wanted. Eventually she even fell asleep.

She couldn't find any rest in it though as disturbing pictures began to appear in her mind: _Lexa lying on that bed, dying. Her final conversation with Alie and the threat the AI had revealed… Clarke tried to force the images away, but they were only replaced by others. She saw her mom hanging herself, her friends suffocating in the airlock after Emerson had captured them. Lexa's last words to her, Bellamy on his back as Roan held a blade against his throat, Lexas wide eyes as the bullet hit her, Bellamy gasping for air as Kane was strangling him…It all became one blurry line of images… Lexa, Alie, Abby, Bellamy…_

 _And suddenly it turned into a scene where her surroundings were blurry; the only thing she could see clearly were the two people on the floor; it was Lexa and Bellamy both lying on their backs in her room in Polis; they had been shot through the heart, gasping as they took their last breaths. And then Clarke realized she was holding the gun. She had shot them. She dropped the weapon in horror, her eyes widening as tears began to roll down her cheeks._

 _´No, no, no! ´ she gasped, and then she looked up to the ceiling. Another gasp left her lips as she suddenly saw Abby hanging there, motionless. She was dead. Even though she tried with all her might not to do so, Clarke felt something forcing her to look at her mother. She just couldn't take her eyes off Abby. The sight would haunt her forever. Just as she thought she couldn't take it anymore, she suddenly was dragged backwards against a cold stone wall._

 _Now she had both Lexa and Bellamy as well as Abby in her line of view. ´Please, stop! ´ Clarke was on her knees, begging, but to no avail. She tried to run but her feet wouldn't move, instead she was dragged closer to the dead bodies. Suddenly she heard Alies voice ringing in her head: ´Look at it Clarke. Six months, that's all you have. When you pulled that killswitch, you might as well have killed your friends with your own hands._ ´

´NO! ´ Clarke woke with a gasp. It took a few moments for her to realize where she was and that Bellamy was sitting infront of her, looking worried but very much alive. She looked down and realized she was clutching his hand so hard it had turned white.

Bellamy had been watching the fire, adding a bit of wood now and then. When Clarke suddenly gasped and woke up, he had been by her side in an instant and took her hand trying to comfort her. He didn't let go since she obviously needed time to completely wake up.

As Clarkes eyes sought his she saw the concern clearly written on his face and reflected in his now warm brown eyes.

´I'm okay. ´ She tried to sound calm but her voice was raspy. Bellamy squeezed her hand as he softly answered: ´No Clarke, you're not. But it's okay to admit it. No one can blame you after everything that happened. ´

Clarke took a deep breath, still feeling a little shaky. The warmth of Bellamys hand holding hers reassured her a little. Trying to compose herself, she let go of his hand and backed away from him a little. She focused her gaze on the dying embers.

Bellamy moved to sit closer but at her side, his eyes, too, fixed on the rest of their fire. Clarkes nightmare reminded him of his own dreams, of waking up in the quiet of the night covered in sweat and with a racing heart. And Clarke had endured even more than him. Bellamy didn't even want to think about what her dreams must look like. He turned to watch her from the side and in the dim light cast by the moon and the embers of their fire he saw a single tear run down her cheek.

As Clarke stared into the fire, she simply was too exhausted to fight the storm of emotions inside of her. She let a tear slip, unaware that Bellamy was watching her. It was one of those rare and small moments when she admitted to herself that she just couldn't _always_ be in control of her feelings.

What she didn't expect was him, calling her name in a low and soft whisper: ´Clarke… you don't always have to keep control. Everyone needs to let go sometimes. ´In that moment he just wanted to comfort her at least a little. Slowly, carefully he laid his arm around her shoulder. Clarke allowed her eyes to close for a moment when she felt his touch. The warmth of it numbed her pain a little. Yet she fought the tears still threatening to fall.

Bellamy sensed her struggle. After all they had been through together he didn't feel awkward at the thought of her crying. On the contrary: He knew it would help her if she could just let go for once. He swallowed his own pain as he reassured her: ´It's okay. Really. ´ His voice was still low, however he tried to continue in a lighter tone: ´You know, even I already cried in front of you. ´Clarke actually let out a small chuckle at his remark.

His arm still around her, he stroked her shoulder a little. A small sob escaped her lips and he felt more than he could see her finally letting out the tears she had held back for so long. They just sat there for a while, Bellamy holding her with one arm, and Clarke began to relax the tiniest bit.

As she turned to look at him he could still see a few tears glistening on her cheeks. The corners of her mouth twitched upwards in an attempt to smile at him. ´Thank you. ´ Her voice was still raspy but he could tell she felt a little better. Clarke turned to give him a small hug. As they pulled away from each other she opened her mouth to say she would take over the watch. Bellamy however was faster and said: ´Don't worry. You rest up, and it'll be light soon anyways. I'll wake you when the sun rises. ´

Clarke nodded and gave him another hug. ´Will you be okay? ´ she asked in a low voice. Bellamy pulled back from her and smiled a little as he answered in a fake mocking tone: ´Clarke Griffin, will you for once worry about yourself and not everyone else? ´ She smiled at him and he added in a more serious voice: ´Like I said, it's alright. Just rest. ´

Lying down, she nodded softly as she already felt a much-needed sleep overwhelming her.

Bellamy sat close to her, hoping she would at least find a little rest. From the corner of his eyes he could see her eyelids falling closed, yet continuing to flutter, betraying her uneasy sleep. He gently laid a hand on her shoulder and - even though he knew she wouldn't hear him – whispered softly to her: ´Don't worry. It's like you told me: We will get through this together. ´ Feeling her relax the tiniest bit, Bellamy smiled to himself.

He stayed close to her until the sun rose. His own thoughts troubled him; he wondered if Octavia would ever forgive him what he had done and asked himself how he could ever even try to redeem himself. But he took comfort in Clarkes presence. And so, despite all the cruelty they had lived through and the terrible and often regretted decisions they had made in their struggle to stay alive, the Rebel and the Princess found a small part of peace during that night.


End file.
